The Catfight Soap
by Cali Berry
Summary: Just a funny little something, between Beverly Crusher and Kathryn Janeway.


Author's Note: This story is NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! A friend (mainly) and myself wrote it over Yahoo one evening, and we just *had* to share it. It's not got a plot, but it's kinda funny. Review?  
  
Crusher stormed over to Janeway and swung her handbag around in a long swooping arc to meet the side of the Captain's head. "You f**king bitch!!!!"  
  
Kathryn dived and tackled Crusher around the waist, sending both of the careering into a chair and table. A moment later, and Kathryn had Crusher bent over a table with a nail file threateningly close to Crusher's face. "He's mine, you Minger!"  
  
A sharp twist from Crusher, send Kathryn toppling over and onto the floor with a thud. Her face grimaced. "My arse!" she exclaimed. Crusher backed off laughing and mocking the captain.  
  
"Oh captain... you know he likes a strong woman." She winked. A chair just missed her head by an inch and smashing in to the replicator behind her. Picard sat by watching the whole thing with mounting interest and... arousal.  
  
Crusher ducked, grabbing an ashtray which was then sent flying at the Captain's head. "Shit f**k bugger!" She cried, clutching a bloodied hand to her forehead. She bend down low appearing to curl up defensively. Crusher suddenly had a pang of guilt go through her, and approached the captain who was silent, curled up.  
  
"Are you okay? I can see to that." She bent down low to take a look.  
  
There was a short, sharp pain in her left boob where Kathryn has sent a flying jab into it. "Argh! Me tit!" Riker stuck his head round the door. "Did somebody say tits?" He said with an ever increasing grin.  
  
Picard leant close to Riker and whispered in his cultured Shakespearian tone. "Damn good catfight." He grinned. Riker sat down beside Picard to watch the ensuring fight, which had now evolved into a hair pulling contest. A swift kick from a heeled boot from the captain sent Crusher into a wall clutching her stomach.  
  
"You BITCH!" She gasped. Kathryn was in a rage - she came at Crusher like a bull on steroids, but hit the wall full pelt as Crusher turned and twisted out of harms way. Riker began to play a funeral march on his trombone, only to find heeled boot fly at him... Will ducked the heeled boot just in time.  
  
"F**king hell, KAthryn!" Beverly began to speed tap around Kathryn making her dizzy- until Kathryn bit her ankle, hard.  
  
"Holy SHIT! You're CRAZY, Kathryn!"  
  
For the next ten minutes, Kathryn and Crusher punched, kicked and bit each other while the two gentlemen got ever increasing enjoyment. Finally Data walked in on the chaos of broken chairs and strategically ripped tops to reveal lacy bras. "Intriguing." He said monotonically.  
  
"Data!" Picard said happy as can be, "Come in, watch the fun." Data came and sat next the bald Englishman.  
  
"Captain," He inquired, "Might I suggest we improve this fight? After a while it will start to get tedious."  
  
The shirt tugging pacifist considering this thought for a moment. "What do you propose?"  
  
"A mud fight on the holodeck. Bikini style."  
  
*A while later*  
  
Data and Picard faced each other in the centre of the mud wrestling ring. Data spoke first.  
  
"Captain, is this satisfactory?"  
  
"Umm... how can I put this Data - This is isn't quite what I imagined."  
  
"How so?" He inquired, adjusting his bikini.  
  
Picard said, with little hint of mocking, "Well... I was expecting the women to wear them." He raised a curious eyebrow.  
  
Data cocked his head. "Are you sure captain? The last time I saw Doctor Crusher and Captain Janeway was in the communal shower together, they had finished fighting."  
  
Picard's eyes widened.  
  
Data cocked his head the other way. "Is something the matter captain?"  
  
"Umm... umm... you saw them in there?"  
  
"Yes, soaping themselves."  
  
"How?" "They let me join them."  
  
"I'll be right back!" He said, rushing off.  
  
Picard finally reached the communal showers on X-deck. He stepped in, being careful not to alarm anybody. "Hello?" He asked.  
  
Crusher appeared around a shower door, only revealing her head and shoulders. "Oh captain..." She whispered seductively. Picard couldn't suppress a wide grin.  
  
He stepped forward towards the door as Crusher slipped back round trailing delicate fingers around the rim of the door frame. Picard opened the door carefully, not entirely sure how to handle himself. He licked his lips, thinking of what may be going on inside - the flesh on flesh, the wobbling pink bits...  
  
The door silently opened, revealing...  
  
...Revealing Captain Janeway and Doctor Crusher cleaning the showers with soap and water. They had removed their tops as to not get them wet. "Damn stains won't budge!" Crusher complained. "Would you give me a hand dear Picard?" She asked innocently.  
  
Picard almost wept. 


End file.
